It is amazing, though, how many books you can finish in a bunch of those 30 minute time frames. So this weekend I really got into this new book that I checked out from the library.
Sometimes when reading or listening you run across a phrase that resonates with you. The way in which an author uses language can be gripping. The problem in listening to such a book is when you hear a beautifully written sentence, you can't highlight it or reread it. You are forced to try to just remember it. I try really hard to remember such sentences. But half the time while I am repeating that beautifully written sentence to myself, I miss the next sentence or even sometimes paragraphs.
One book that particularly comes to mind in that regard was Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier. My brilliant brother-in-law had recommended it and had expressed how rich the language was in it. Larry is a wonderful wordsmith himself. So I "read" it while making a few round trips between Fort Worth and Little Rock and was captivated by the beautiful prose.
Of course, I can't even begin to tell you now any of those sentences or phrases that I thought were so rich and eloquently written. Actually, I probably couldn't recite them minutes after I heard them. But I will always remember that Thirteen Moons was beautifully written as well as an excellent story.
Nevertheless, I got back to Little Rock last night right at the most intense moment of this current book. I have sat in the car and listened a little longer in such cases but not last night. I came in, sat down at the computer, and ordered the book for my Kindle. I did this for two reasons--I simply had to know what happened and there was a phrase that had really made me think when I heard it. I wanted to find that exact sentence again and ponder it.
So I bought the book, finished reading the book, and then went back through the book to find the sentence I was intrigued with and highlighted it. Here is the sentence that I paid good money to find!
"It's only before the realities set in that we can treasure our delusions."
Does that make you stop and think like it does me? Often "delusions" are referred to in the media when something happens to someone who is "not in his right mind." But I wanted to see the official definition. So I highlighted the word "delusion" and waited for the Kindle to go directly to the dictionary. (Ain't technology great?) I found the definition to be exactly as I thought--"a false belief or opinion."
Okay, but the sentence speaks of "treasuring our delusions." Hmmm. Do I?
I think back to me as a young twenty-three year old about to get married and with plenty of delusions. I had been a single teacher for a couple of years and I was so excited to be "finally" getting married. I had been in my older siblings weddings and had served in different capacities for some of my friends' weddings. In the 60's and 70's being a bride was up at the top of most girls' "To Do" lists. I know for some girls getting their "M.R.S." degree was more important than a "B.A." or "B.S.E" degree. It was why some went to college in the first place.
Now I wasn't like that. Although all my siblings had married while in college, and I didn't (not because I was too into my studies to be bothered by such, but because I was a "late bloomer." which means I didn't date much. But at least I did graduate in three years even though it was without the M.R.S. degree!) My delusion at that time in my life was that I, too, would get married in college like my siblings and many of my friends.
I must say that I wanted to do just like they did and find a wonderful husband. That's how it worked, right? Go to college, find the love of your life, get "pinned," get engaged, and finally get married. Then life would be perfect, complete; happiness would surround me. I would be an English teacher, have a family, and live happily ever after, right? I think I shared and treasured that delusion like many people did back then.
Oh my! Am I saying that I didn't have any happiness and didn't find a wonderful husband? No, not at all! It just happened differently from my "delusion," but I am thankful for the way reality set in.
Even though the timing of my marriage was not part of my original delusion, I think I still believed that everything would be easier being married. But, honestly, marriage, children, life--it is all hard--harder than anyone ever told me. At least, quite a bit harder than those delusional family sitcoms we watched on TV back then.
But wasn't it fun to think about "living happily ever after?"
I know now that those thoughts were delusions; but I treasured them at the time. I still have delusions that I treasure. I don't like to think of them really as "delusions," but they are.
For instance, I always dream that our family get-togethers (i.e. Christmas, other holidays, birthdays, vacations) will be perfect. Everyone would come decorate the Christmas tree with carols playing in the background, a fire crackling in the fireplace. Joy would be oozing out of everything we did.
Everyone would be so happy to see each other; no one would take offense at some joke or misspoken words. There would be plenty of sweet laughter. The food would be perfect. The house would stay clean. Everyone would want to stay at our house and visit family--not friends. Who would want to leave such sweet family fellowship? And Santa Claus actually comes down the chimney with everyone's most desired gifts, right?
But in reality it doesn't happen that way in our family. I'm not saying that we don't have wonderful, lovely times together; we do, but we are not "The Waltons" as in "Goodnight, Johnboy."
Then there is this other delusion that I have treasured--when my daughters grow up (and they have), I will be that wise and wonderful mother for whom my daughters come to and ask for advice. PLUS, (here's the best delusion ever) I will have the wisest answers for them filled with enough facts to fit the need, the down-home kind of truth that the wise women in stories can come up with instantaneously, a dash of humor to lighten the seriousness of this wonderful advice, and an abundance of love. They then go away a little in awe, thanking me and thinking how they hope they will somehow someday have even a small sprinkling of the wisdom that I have. Ahhh, yes. I'm getting a little teary-eyed thinking about it.
But the reality is that when they ask me a question or advice, I'm like, "Well, I don't remember exactly" or "Uh, let me think...Hmmm. Well, I just don't know, sweetie." They give me that sympathetic (or pathetic) look and go ask their friends.
It is unfortunate, I guess, that reality absolutely destroys delusions--these fairy-tale dreams. Or maybe that's not bad. Fairy tales can be scary too and fairly predictable after awhile.
Fairy tales usually have a princess or a queen. But being a princess or queen in these fairy tales has its problems as well, doesn't it? Crowns can get heavy and give you a headache. You might have to actually kiss frogs or sleep forever waiting for a kiss to wake you up, or live in a tower with long, long hair, or clean up after your mean family (oh, I do that--but they aren't mean though), or live with seven little men, who whistle all the time.
If these dreams or delusions actually happened, first of all, they wouldn't be "delusions," but more importantly you would miss all the fun and satisfaction of dealing with reality--like when you solve a problem at work, or figure out how to be in relationships, or how to make a living, or start to be thankful for those dateless nights which actually enabled you to build good girlfriend relationships and prove that you are okay by yourself, or knowing that you don't have to be perfect to be loved and adored, or being able to say, "Bye. Now go have fun with your friends. I'm going to bed."
So delusions are not real but maybe they have a real place in our lives. Maybe it is fine to treasure these unreal expectations, these delusions, for awhile. Maybe that is why we keep trying in our real lives--keep trying to have that idyllic Christmas, keep trying to improve, keep trying to have that satisfying relationship, keep hoping to become wise as we age.
I really don't know the answer, but I do know that delusions as well as reality help make us who we are. Now, I want to be the person who doesn't choose to treasure the delusions but rather to treasure my realities, no matter how difficult or pleasant they may be--that is my goal.
Is that just another delusion??? Hmmm.
No comments:
Post a Comment